If Various Organizations Made Toasters

If Xerox made toasters...
     You could toast one-sided or double-sided.
     Successive slices would get lighter and lighter.
     The toaster would jam your bread for you.

If Radio Shack made toasters...
     The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it.
     Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

If Oracle made toasters...
     They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and
     styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine
     was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away,
     and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.

If Sun made toasters...
     The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.

Does DEC still make toasters?...
     They made good toasters in the '80's didn't they?

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...
     They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast
     and gives you regular bread.

If Tandem made toasters...
     You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned
     the toaster would automatically toast you a new one.

If Cray made toasters...
     They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any
     other single-slice toaster in the world.

If IBM made toasters...
     They would want one big toaster where people bring bread
     to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a
     worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If The Rand Corporation made toasters...
     It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black
     cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it.
     Their service department would have an
     unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would
     be highly classifiedgovernment documents. The X-Files would have an
     episode about it.

If the NSA made toasters...
     Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA
     could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.

If Sony made toasters...
     It would be the ToastMan, which would be barely larger than
     the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, and could be conveniently
     attached to your belt.

If Timex made toasters...
     They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters
     that take a licking and keep on toasting.

If Fisher Price made toasters...
     "Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn
     to toast the bread until it pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.

If the Franklin Mint made toasters...
     Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted
     piece of your authentic reproduction WWI pewter toaster.

If CostCo made toasters...
     They'd be really cheap, as long as you bought a six-pack of 'em.

And, of course:

If Microsoft made toasters...
     Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to
     buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to
     pay for it anyway. Toaster '95 would weigh 15,000 pounds (hence requiring a
     reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small
     city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster
     that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would
     secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone
     would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless, would buy them since most of
     the good bread only works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters...
     It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but years earlier.

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