ISP Locked up his Computer

This particular post was flamed by a large number of other posters who pointed out that this problem could in no way have been caused by TheISP.

One of the crimes TheISP had been accused of in the newsgroup is censorship of users. This point was hotly contested by a number of TheISP's customers.]

FADE IN:

TheISP - Network Operations Center

A large screen is in center view. Thousands of customer connections appear as distinct green lines. Attached to them are the systems and backbone via larger green lines. Some lines are red, indicating down systems. There are empty and full cans of Mountain Dew as well as bags of Doritos strewn about the place.

CAMERA PANS SLOWLY TO ENGINEER 1
He's sitting in front of a console, apparently monitoring Usenet. Engineer 2 is sitting behind him, watching the same console. Engineer 1 motions towards a full can. After getting no response, he slowly turns towards Engineer 2.

ENGINEER 1
Hey, dude, pass me the 'dew.

ENGINEER 2
[reaching for a full can]
Shit, we're almost out. Guess I'll have to send out a tech support droid to get some more. They don't have anything else to do, anyways.
[Engineer 2 passes a can to engineer 1]

ENGINEER 1
[turning back towards the console]
Wow! Look at this guy. He keeps flaming us in the newsgroups.

ENGINEER 2
So what? Lots of people flame us in the newsgroups.

ENGINEER 1
You don't understand, do you? If people read Usenet, they may find out the truth!

ENGINEER 2
What truth? Everybody knows Usenet is about as reliable as the Inquirer.

ENGINEER 1
Yes, but they may find out what we... do.

ENGINEER 2
Shut your mouth. You know we can't talk about that.

ENGINEER 1
Come on, man! You can't tell me you're comfortable with the idea!

ENGINEER 2
[visibly disturbed]
Will you shut up already? You know.. they.. are watching and listening, even right now.

ENGINEER 1
Management? Phht. They can't do anything to us, remember? We designed the systems and backbone so badly that nobody else could keep it together. We can keep it barely running forever and they can't ever touch us. Hell, we may not get paid much, but at least we get free drinks and snacks. A couple crashes and account deletions now and then and they constantly feel like we're needed. (laughing) The really funny part is that we get to be complete assholes, get paid for it, and get asked to do it some more! This is better even than working at Microsoft.

ENGINEER 2
Well, maybe you're right. I dunno. Sometimes.. Nah, nevermind..

ENGINEER 1
What? Come on, man, tell me.

ENGINEER 2
Sometimes.. I think I feel bad about it all. Dirty like.

ENGINEER 1
(disbelievingly) That's only because you're new here. Not your fault, I guess. You never had to work in tech support or deal directly with the customers much. It's a lot like early phone systems had to have been, or maybe people learning how to drive in the early part of the 20th century. I mean, can you imagine somebody calling up Ford and asking why their car won't start? (immitating southern drawl) "Ma'm, can you check if you have gas in the tank? Are you turning the key while there is gas in the car?" These days everybody knows how to drive and how to use a phone, but computers are still a mystery.

ENGINEER 2
I guess you're right. I still feel like we're somehow abusing our privileges.

ENGINEER 1
Nah. Take this customer who just flamed us as an example. He's probably using a Mac, and he keeps getting disconnected. Now, what would you think if you worked customer support at say Ford and some ditz called you up to complain that he cannot go 80 miles per hour.

ENGINEER 2
I would probably ask him to bring in his car for a checkup.

ENGINEER 1
Yeah, that is what real support would do. But, now let's say that he drives an old beat up 1983 escort.

ENGINEER 2
Well, I think in this particular case it would be obvious that the car was just not made to go that fast.

ENGINEER 1
(triumphant look) Exactly! Nobody would even think twice about it. Some cars were just not made to go that fast. Now, wouldn't you think that the person calling up is a complete idiot?

ENGINEER 2
Yeah, I guess so.

ENGINEER 1
Ok. Second scenario: A customer calls up, and complains that his car keeps breaking down. It's the same 1983 beat up Escort. He demands that you replace everything broken in his car, repay him for his lost time due to the car, and also, fill up his gas tank. He wants a coffee mug, or a t-shirt, too.

ENGINEER 2
I think that would be a bit unreasonable. Especially the t-shirt thing.

ENGINEER 1
Really? But people demand the same things from their ISP. (immitating voice) "Hey, I can't dial up with my TI 49/A! Why won't you support my Mac 512k or my Apple II? They rule!"

ENGINEER 2
Oh, come on! It's not that bad!

ENGINEER 1
I don't agree. People are using outdated equipment, outdated and buggy software, and then, then they expect us to handhold them.

ENGINEER 2
Shouldn't we help them upgrade their computers?

ENGINEER 1
It won't work. That's been tried before. People are locked into what they know, and refuse to budge. It's like the guys that drive the old Saabs around here.

ENGINEER 2
Oh yeah. Them.

ENGINEER 1
Yeah. Anyways, I feel the need to be a bit of a bastard. Do you think we should reset that guy's connection? He deserves it.

ENGINEER 2
No need. He's running a Mac, remember? [1]

Submitted on 6/20/97 to regional.internet by [email protected] (Karl Mueller)

If anyone recognizes a resemblance between the characters in this story and the BOFH [2], the similarity is more than coincidental. [editor's opinion]

-------
[1] A follow up poster asserted that the story would be improved by replacing "Mac" with "Windows 95". General consesus of speculators in the newsgroup was that this was a Mac user.
[2] Bastard Operator From Hell
[3] Loose footnote: Some of the post has been changed for no particular reason. [4]
[4] Bastard Editor From Hell

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