Who Needs a Modem Anyways?
I know that the lusers that I have to deal with know less about their
systems than Madonna knows about virginity, but when they manage to
open the cover of their systems, that's when things get
interesting....painfully interesting.
I'm doing my normal thing one day. Asprin in one hand, lart* in the
other talking to hopeless lusers about how to email, how to
browse...the things that people with half a brain take for granted but
what these fuzz for brains lusers can't seem to do. The phone rings
again. That's always a bad sign. The conversation goes as follows:
Me: Hello. isp_name technical support.
luser: Yes. I am trying to connect and I can't.
Me: Does the modem dial?
luser: No.
Me: What version of windoze are you using?
luser: I'm using windows 3.11.
Me: OK. Do you have a Plug and Play modem?
luser: I don't know what type of modem I have.
Me: Well, are there any manuals that came with the computer that
might tell you what type of modem that you have? If it is PnP it will
not work with the software that we sent you (I would try and explain
the concept of PnP with this luser, however I would rather save the
breath for something more usefull like talking to the wall).
luser: (Rummages for manuals in the background) I don't think so.
At this point, I try hard to have the computer determine what type of
modem he has. In the middle of my attempts, the luser gets a stroke
of genius and the best is about to come.
luser: (Cuts me off in the middle of speaking) Hang on a second...I
have an idea [1]
At this point I hear the phone hit his desk. I hear some rummaging
and then he gets back on the phone.
luser: Where would it say on the modem what type it is?
Me: (gulp) Sir, is this an internal or external modem?
luser: Internal. I have it in my hand right now. I'm looking at the
circuit board and there are a bunch of jumpers and stuff on it. Where
would it say what type of modem it is?
Me: Sir, did you turn the computer off?
luser: No. I just pulled the cover off and pulled the modem out to
look at it. Is that bad?
Me: [thought to myself] No..that's just GREAT! You fixed the
problem. You have now managed to possibly blow your modem and maybe
your entire computer! I'm only mad cause I didn't think of it first!
It's a great plan! [/thought to myself] Yes sir. You should now turn
the computer off and consult a professional because you may have
damaged your system.
We hang up. This was SO great that I couldn't stand it. A modemless
luser is the easiest luser to fix!
Just had to rant.
--------
[1] At this point, I should have just had him stop right there. When
a luser gets an idea, baaaaaaaaaaad things happen. I should have told
him that he blew a smoke chip and needed a new one and to consult his
local shop ASAP.
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* Luser Attitude Readjustment Tool
Submitted on 4/28/97 to alt.tech-support.recovery by [email protected]
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