$17.95/month for unlimited access to a....stopwatch

luser: (screaming) The damn internet is broken! I want to cancel my account and I want a refund!
Me: Sir, calm down. How is the internet broken?[1]
luser: I can't connect to the damn internet! I signed up with your service and it does nothing!
Me: [Checks luser's usage record and it shows two and a half hours of usage] Sir, tell me exactly what you do to connect.
luser: I click on this damn icon your people had me make to connect to your stupid service, it dials my modem, makes some god awful noises and then when it's done, all that comes up is this dumb timer!
Me: [ BANG, BANG] Sir, that is the timer that is telling you that you are connected to the interent. From there, you can click on whatever you want to do, such as the Interenet Icon, the Netscape icon, etc...
luser: Why don't you people tell us that when we start!
Me: [thinking] Because we, for some odd reason, assume that stupid people like you don't make it past infancy due to severe head trauma [/thinking] I don't know sir...we'll get right on it.

Now, this luser was staring at the DUN timer for two and a half hours! They kill me sometimes.

---------
[1] Sometimes, you just have to sink to their level to find out what's wrong.

I once got an email from a luser that went something like this:

(pardon the caps, but it's essential to the joke)

"SORRY TO WRITE THIS LETTER IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS (we flame our users for that) BUT I CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO FIX IT. BUT THAT'S NOT THE PROBLEM THAT I'M HAVING. I CAN'T CONNECT TO THE INTERNET. EVERYTIME THAT I TRY AND CONNECT, IT TELLS ME THAT THE PASSWORD OR USERNAME IS INCORRECT. HELP!!!"

Hmmmmmmm....I think this one will be easy to fix...

If they only had a brain.

Phone rings. Again, that is a bad sign. Luser wants to join the ranks of other online lusers. OK. We get to the point where the luser has to pick a lusername. I tell him that it has to be between 3 and 8 characters.

luser: Oh, you guys aren't running Windows 95?
Me: No sir. Our servers are UNIX servers.
luser: That O/S must suck. You guys should get Windows 95..it supports long names now, ya know!
Me: [thinking] Yes, and security holes that you can drive a planet through, has to be rebooted about 30 times a day, and basically sucks moose AND squirrel [/thinking] (and to think...I actually argued this one) Sir, UNIX is a much better server. It's very secure, never needs to be rebooted, and is all around better
luser: But it doesn't support long names!

Someone stop me before I kill again.

Submitted on 5/2/97 to alt.tech-support.recovery by [email protected] (Larry Reckner)

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